My Means to an End

What are deadly butterflies? Well when you have that feeling of butterflies its simply a level of anxiety, mine have the potential of killing me. I have anxiety, kinda bad, and at times over the years really bad. Why am I writing this? That answer is a multiple part answer. First is that I guess if I'm going to go through something as tough as debilitating anxiety I might as well share in the hopes that someone may find a way to address their issues and get help sooner than I did and not waste too many years of their lives thinking and hoping it will just get better and go away. Also to hopefully give those living with anxiety affecting a loved one. Lastly to give myself somewhere to vent, and chronicle my experience so I may have a better chance of beating this demon once and for all.

I have spent my entire life hiding from this and only letting those in that were on a "need to know basis". People that I have to tell, some family some friends but before today, as few people as I could. There is a stigma out there that people with anxiety are broken and there tends to be an attitude by people to distance themselves from people like me. I know it must be very hard to see someone you care about dealing with something you as an observer really have no control over, there must be a real heavy sense of helplessness too often that ends up removing people from the lives of those with anxiety.

I have found over the past year that those I have pushed away and told about my issues that they were at least accepting and never made me feel like I was not welcome back and that in itself was a big catalyst in my finding the strength to stand up and take action against these issue I have. So with that I have let a few more people in and they have been so supportive. But for those that had to deal with me and didn't run for the hills but stood by my side, you are my rocks, my foundation I am building this new me on. Pearl Jam has a song called Just Breathe, I love the song but there is a line in it that speaks volumes to me. "Oh I'm a lucky man, to count on both hands the ones I love Some folks just have one, yeah, others, they've got none." and I hold that true to my heart and in the forefront of my mind, as that is me, very lucky, very blessed and I hope to continue to be more and more blessed as I go down this road to wellness to include more and more people in that list.

I guess I can trace this issue with anxiety as far back as I can remember but when I was a kid life's cup was small and easy to fill and as I got older that cup kept getting bigger and harder for me to fill with things that kept those deadly butterflies at bay. So when I was really young I acted out in school, kept attention on things I had control over like being a wise ass, being disruptive, picking fights, really doing what ever I could to not face the fact that I had this dread looming over me that I could not understand. 

Then in my late teens I started to dabble in smoking pot and drinking and then, with being high all the time, I had no dread, it was gone, and that only opened up a door to more and more drugs and heavier and heavier drinking, I mean why not, I had no fears anymore, but my cup was still growing so as did the list of drugs I would try and the amount I would do and also the frequency I would do them.

I don't remember much of my twenties, I don't remember being an usher in my own sisters wedding, I can remember the party after where I was drinking and high but I have such a hard time recalling the times where I was sober in my twenties. I can remember more of when I was high as those were the times I felt "good" and not looking over my shoulder so to speak for those deadly butterflies, and still my cup was growing.

All this time I am bouncing from job to job, pushing my long time girlfriend away (she left me) pushed even longer life long friends away, and kept myself from ever finding any happiness in life. Then came my thirties. I had to stop smoking pot as the anxiety it was giving me was too much to handle so I quit, that was just about ten years ago and for me it couldn't have come soon enough, but still I kept drinking but even that slowly ramped down to where I am today. I take a few meds for my medical issues but no longer do anything for recreation, I'll have beer here and there but I cant tell you the last time I was drunk.

I have had a few close friends that I let in and kept in the loop over the years and they have been such a big help. My buddy Doug (and his family) in NJ and David (and his family) here in VA have been huge in me still being where I am and being able to hopefully find my path out of this shit. Doug for never forgetting the childhood friend he had in me and not letting my issues cloud his view of me ever. David for getting to be my fiend right when I was transitioning from being my drugged up self to today and never letting my faults cloud what he saw in me as a person and a friend. My sister has always been there for me and I know I can always count on her. My mother always making me feel like I will forever be her little baby boy (don't make fun, if you do you're just jealous). One of my truly huge regrets about all this is my relationship with my father, we were getting to be real friends right before he passed and had really become a close friend and the two of us let our petty past stand in the way of more growth just before he passed. That's something anyone reading this needs to take note of and NOT let happen if at all possible to avoid since we can never get back lost time with loved ones. My girlfriend Laura has been a huge boost in my need (no longer a want, there is a huge difference) to get better and not just for myself but for us for a future I hope is full of fun and happiness. My cousin Marie, well lets just say I'm one of her biggest fans and she has provided me with countless hours of smiles and support that is truly immeasurable. My friends Rob and Stu here in VA that have never made me feel weird no matter how long I drop off the face of the earth. This past summer the Capolete family (whom I was very close with growing up) welcomed me back like there had been no time lost. These are the people that make wellness attainable and not out of reach.

I'm going to keep opening up to more and more people as I know there are others I care about tremendously and miss having in my life and there is room for new people and friends I hope to get to know as we take on our deadly butterflies together. I don't want others to let anxiety rob them of those moments in life that one simply cant get back, like the wedding of one of your very best friends, seeing their children grow up or a funeral. Time just keeps on moving, it is the cruelest of all things in the universe.

Why call my butterflies deadly; it's simple really. I had always felt that those that try and kill themselves were selfish and weak but what I have learned over the past few months (as this has been the worst i have felt for a continuous amount of time in as long as I can recall) and I can see for the first time why people would want to just get to any end they can find from this. Now this is NOT a cry for help and I don't want that last statement to scare anyone that I am on the edge because I am not, but I can truly empathize with those that have been there, this is nothing I would wish upon anyone; period.

I just don't want anyone to have to hit rock bottom like I have before they start to get up. I'm still needing to clean up messes I made almost twenty years ago, that I was unable to face that I still don't have a clue how to over come and honestly not sure how much more these issues will take me down before I get my chance to get back up. But if my chronicles can inspire, or help anyone start to recover from their hell, then what ever I have gone through was worth it. I don't want this to all be for nothing. I want this to be a means to an end for myself, for anyone that suffers from anxiety and feels alone and anyone trying to understand what a loved one is going through.