Yup I took a day off from writing. Yesterday was a bad day. I wish I could figure out what caused it. I started my day out like any other day. I took my meds, I ate breakfast, I was rocking it at work and then without warning, I had a panic attack.
It hit hard and fast and I ran.
Most of the time there is a build up that I can keep at bay and through some logical thought and calming action like a walk, running some cool water over my wrists, striking a conversation with someone about anything that is thought provoking enough to keep my focus off my feelings. Side note: by feelings I don't mean emotional feelings, I mean the feeling that something is building in side me that is going to happen, something bad, something very bad.
That's not how it happens maybe 1% of the time, and yesterday was one of those times. On a scale of one to ten, ten being me calling 911 and going to the hospital (I've only been there once, Oct 29th 2013, but that's a story for another day) yesterday was a 7. Sometimes like yesterday these feelings of dread poor over me so fast and sudden I can only describe it as a feeling of being trapped in myself. I become hyper aware of myself and feel like everyone can see right though me in to my thoughts. everything in my mind is bouncing around, I can feel the adrenalin pumping in my blood and my mind just goes red line. I cant think logically anymore, I mean I can but the logical part of my mind has no control and I start reacting.
So yesterday I started to feel a little light headed, kinda like if I turned my head the world had to catch up slightly, and there is a slight, quarter of a second of dizziness and then its over. However the idea of what was that has planted in my head and that is all it takes. So while I still had my logical side of my brain in the lead I went and took a break and went outside for some air, puff on my e-cig and enjoy some company. There wasn't anyone outside so off to BBC News, see who is fucking over who in Ukraine or Syria, what new tech thingy is Google, you get the idea, anything for god sake to take me back to control. Fifteen minutes come and go and I go back in and sit at my desk, and I cant function. The fight or flight of a panic attack has won over the logical mind and I'm trapped. feeling like every second it taking minutes. The urge to escape is overwhelming and next thing you know I'm sitting in the car. I guess there is a need to get to someplace I feel safe, comfortable or at least someplace I can just not be seen, or have to explain whats wrong to people. I work with awesome caring people and I don't want to worry them as well. I truly wish I could describe how this all feels but I don't do it justice at all. It's simply being trapped in yourself, claustrophobic, spinning, panic, and I wouldn't wish this on anyone.
So by the time I came home (missed 2/3 of the day, great for the stats at work) I got some unwind time with the dog and then when its all over, I'm simply wiped out and writing about this was the last thing I wanted to do. I really didn't want to rehash what i just went through, see in a few hours from then I was going to have to face the next day and hope I can make it through. I did, the day was ok. Sluggish, no motivation, I didn't sleep well last night so one bad episode ends up really affecting more than a day. I'm just glad I have the weekend... *drops the mic and walks off*
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