My Never Ending Story

Another holiday has come and will be gone shortly. Today is Easter and this is the second holiday I have spent; for one reason or an other, away from my mom. Now she has family with her so she is not alone thankfully enough, but I'm selfish and would like to have been with her as I know there aren't an infinite amount of holidays in life for me to spend with her and soon enough I will look back on days like these with contempt for myself.

I am just about to turn 41, and because of being a slave to the anxiety I have I have managed to put a black-eye on yet another holiday for the people I love. This is my legasy, the guy the ruined holidays. I'm sure if I was there I would have done something to upset someone anyway. I don't go out of my way to upset the apple cart it just happens. I guess its like how I hate weekends, going on trips or anything that is different from the daily grind that most people hate. I hate change so much. Like having my current girlfriend move in. The first few weeks were hard and i fought through it because all my other relationships end poorly. But the change in my routine was hard but then I settled in. Holidays however are hard. I have to not only leave the house but go to someplace that's not comfortable. So I'm home today, my girlfriend is with her family, my mom is with hers, my sister is doing her thing and I'm home writing this shit weighing me down and bouncing around my head.

I want people to know how self-destructive anxiety is. I could have worked on two cars over the past few months so that I had something to drive but I always let something get in the way. I could have don't things differently to make sure I was up in PA with mom this week. Why I didn't is the mystery. I don't know but I'm starting to think it's a premeditated plan from deep in my brain. Something that I have little control over because its not something I see until I'm in the moment.

This is when I wish there was a real reset button. I have proven to myself that I have the control I need to be a better me the hard part and most daunting task is digging myself out of my pit that me and my anxiety have dug to "protect" me from what the fuck my anxiety deemed was going to hurt me I guess.

So since there is no reset button out there, help those that you see struggling with life. never give up and never give in. What ever struggle you may have loving someone with anxiety I bet theirs is tons heavier. I have said this more times than I can recall but I would never wish this upon anyone ever. Every year a few times a year life reminds me that I have been hiding from problems so long that they are still haunting me and I honestly don't see an end. I still feel like I'm sinking ever so slowly. I don't have it in me to ask for help anymore, honestly I haven't for a decade now really. I just want people to see how this works and how it can end up keeping people down.

It's a cycle I don't know how to get out of and I can only hope that my girlfriend sees the light before its too late for her too. I know, bad joke but is it really? I'm a nice guy, I have a big heart and care about most things more than most people will ever in their entire lives but would you want me for you're in-law? Lets be honest I'm fun to be around but with my issues with getting out of my "pit" I don't offer much. Don't let someone you know and love end up this way. Until next time, thanks for reading.

My towel was thrown in long ago.

So the realization that I'm not crazy and just have a very manageable case of GAD (and a few others things) should have been a nice relief. That topped with the good news I have no heart issue that is life threatening should be awesome news to anyone. So why did that flip a switch of extreme depression?

 

I guess the issue now is: I look back at all the time and life lost. I look forward to uncertainty. I look at my current situations that have all been caused by a lifetime of ineptness and lack of ability to face my life. Every obstacle in my life I had hidden from rather than take them on and make them a part of history. By hiding from them I hold on to them and things that should have been long distant memories are still haunting me now.

 

So where does someone begin to put a "normal" life together from so many broken pieces of life when they never learned how? I know I'm physically feeling better, very, very few issues with my heart (still amazed at how powerful the mind is), but now I'm left with this empty pit that there is not enough time to be a successful person.

 

I stopped asking for help years and years ago from my parents because I was tired of hearing disappointment in my parents voice. Disappointment in me and their efforts as parents. So I just stopped asking. When I finally got to a point where I could turn to my Dad for some insight he passed away before we really got to address any issues. I can't ask my mom because she is a different person and does not have the ability to help. I have spent the past few weeks realizing how much anyone out there that has someone in their life that is dealing with any issues that may prevent them from functioning "normally" in society, you need to do something and not give up until they are on track. Because I'm 40 and don't see any light at the end of my tunnel. I think that’s cuz I dug straight down.

 

So now I have to search for what's next, what's left, and so far I'm not feeling very good about myself. I'm not feeling very worthy, I don’t want prayers, I don’t want divine intervention, there are people all over this world that need help way before me. I had my opportunities in life and I blew them all. At some point you are left with an empty pit that is the reflection of your existence. Don’t let this happen to anyone you love or care about. Pay attention to those around you and if you see someone showing signs of struggle in life offer a hand and never pull it away until you are no longer worried about them. I am far away from pointing fingers at anyone in my life. Society has only just begun to show there is a better way of caring for people than the way our elders taught us. My issues are mine and I own them. They help me write things like this so that maybe one person might not have to go through the endless life of pitfalls we can so easily create for ourselves.

 

So if this sounds like a melodramatic bunch of crap I guess you just don’t get where I am and where I've been and where I'm headed. Not having direction in this life as we age is a very scary option. My only grace is I'm just glad I never fucked up some kid of my own.

 

In summation: depression is new to me and not fun at all. I feel like I have traded one heavy weight for another. The first made me worry it was going to kill me, the latter makes me think I get it, I understand why people do it, why people take the "easy" way out. Let me tell you, that's no easy way.

M.I.A

So its been a while since I have written and maybe I need to treat this like meds and not skip out on my writing for too long going forward.

I think this is good for me and I need to write even when I don't feel like crap.

Yes I've been MIA for a bit and nothing has been wrong rather right. I have had a great week plus. I cant recall the last time I felt this good over all for this much time. I felt like I was in control, my fears about my heart were calmed, I found out I'm not crazy (a paid Dr. told me that so its documented, no comments that you think otherwise; OK people!) and then I felt so good. Then I fall in to that trap that is so self destructive and so many of us do. We feel good so we stop and try and be well all on our own. Well I guess I need to keep plugging away and keep attacking this shit even while I'm feeling good cuz today has been a wake-up call. Depression!!!! I never feel this way but today I have felt like total shit and honestly fully depressed. I never feel like this, but just total malaise and indifference has just hammered me all day.

So I need to not be MIA, I need to get off my ass and get my meds started for this maintenance of the anxiety and continue writing. I did sign up for a meetup group in town just happens they are moving locations and last week I just wasn't ready to go so next week I will get out and hook up with the group and see how I like it. My goal is to start one myself, a group dedicated to anxiety and I think I want to set it up as a virtual meetup. To provide others with a safe place (their home) where they have control of their surroundings and yet can still interact with others in a live setting. Basically video chat meetup. So I'm gonna go to this group so I can get some help and learn what these groups are about.

I want to find a way to break down some of these stigmas about mental illness. The other day I was talking to my mother and told her I was joining a group that supported those with mental illness and she said to me "Why would you go to a group like that you don't have mental illness" and i told her flat out, "Uh... yes I do!" and she started to recant but then told me to be careful of those people that really have mental illnesses. I was frustrated at first because I was getting that vibe from my own mother that she didn't want to admit that her son had a mental illness. This doesn't make me any different of a person than before I came to grips with having mental illness. call it what you want, GAD, panic disorder or what it is, a mental illness. The problem is the stigma and that stigma is what I fear keeps people from getting the help they really need. Hiding from your real issues because you are worried about what someone might think of you or say about you or how they might treat you because you have something that is scary to them I guess. This is where education and knowledge are powerful allies.  The more people know about it (what ever you or I may have) the better equipped they will be with accepting you for the person you are, flaws included. Now I'm lucky that I'm such a momma's boy cuz she quickly came around and corrected herself and I could hear she felt bad for her tone and comments. My mother and I communicate very well and even with all of her old school ways and thought processes she has my back first and foremost. I may be 40 going on 41 but I will always be my mommies baby =) However we need to support people better though understanding and knowledge and not let ignorance drive a wedge between us and those we love and care about. I post these things on Facebook because I'm done hiding from what people might think about me and how they might judge me for the issues I may have. I'm still the same childish fun loving caring person I have always been and just because I have issues with GAD and Panic doesn't change the fact that a good fart will bring me to tears with laughter, and I will always do what I can for my friends and family to support them any way I can. Yesterday you may not have thought that I had mental illness and you may know me and enjoy hanging out with me and chilling at work or whatever and today knowing that I have a mental illness does not change anything in me. The only thing that might change is you, and how you treat me or view me but that's on you not me and I'm not going to hide from my issues to protect myself from the judgement of others. No one needs to fear me, you wont wake up wrapped in plastic laying in a kill room, or in a well in my basement, no, about the worst thing is we could be hanging out and next thing you know I'm gone. Remember what I said earlier, I'm not crazy, I have paperwork to prove it, I just have a mental illness.

Too long!

I need to write more but there just doesn't seem to be enough time some days,  but it's been too long.

Today was a very good day,  I felt good and then I get home from work and I get this feeling of being trapped by the weekend.  How fucked up am I that the change in my week's pattern of two days off is dreadful to me.  I can't face change without worrying, even a weekend! Grrrrrr!!!! Yeah,  that sums up how I feel. Well I'm going to give an antidepressant a try,  I need something to help me find a way through this shit.

I want to write more but I'm drained,  hungry and don't want to have to go up in to the kitchen and cook dinner and be a mess from letting to much out...  My roommate is having a nice evening with his girl and I don't want to take that away from them,  they need it.  So I'll write more over the weekend and I'm going to try and keep writing more and more often.

One last thing,  does anyone else get face tingles and numbness,  I hate it,  it's caused by anxiety,  and it's self perpetuating,  cuz it only makes me think I'm stroking out and that just feeds the beast and then I have to go get my little white lights of hope to slay the beast Xanax (I love how my autocorrect on this phone always suggests Xanadu for Xanax and all I can think about is that crappy ass movie from like 1980 with Olivia Newton John).

Find your self destruct button.!

So yesterday morning I ended my thoughts with today being all about productivity.  And how is that going to happen when I can't fall asleep?

The fact is: anxiety and depression are self destructive. Without fail and without realizing it is even happening and so far without knowing what to do to prevent it,  my anxiety will inevitably do something to make life harder.

It's a dammed if you do, dammed if you don't issue really.  If I don't plan things I forget,  if I do plan things I obsess  over then in my subconscious to the point I can't sleep and lack of sleep (not that I need a ton,  but if I don't get 5 -  6 hours my anxiety is exponentially worse all day) just makes the following day,  well,  shit!

So I'm taking some melatonin and hope to get some sleep and still get my day started with progress in mind. I need to find my self destruct button, Tuesday can't come fast enough.

Yes  melatonin,  Austin Powers,  and some cinnamon toast crunch to vapefest,  and I hope to be out like  a light shortly,  and thanks to Missie,  I'm remembering to set the sleep timer on my TV. 

Night friends!

My Shovel

So, now that whomever has been reading these blogs, you know well enough that I'm dealing with something that is on the verge of being debilitating. What's the next step then?

I guess like anything you need to get rid of you need to gather your issues and see how many you can stuff in a box and dig a whole and bury them deep. So I went and picked out my shovel. Its nice, I picture it like one of those old style ones from the twenties, the ones they had on the old cartoons we used to watch as kids. That's my shovel, and it needs to be big cuz I'm fighting a lot of shit I need to kill off and bury. Also there's the need to dig myself out from under a ton of crap I have let build up over the years.

I think that will be one of the biggest things I want to help others out with once I get myself in that place where I can. I want to first offer support, and secondly offer help with guiding people out of their forest they feel lost in. That's the hard part for me (I will forever use a lot of visualization in my describing how I feel, it's all I know so sorry if it gets tiresome) and I cant be alone in this.

I feel like I wake up in a forest every day. Its dim as the forest is thick, I have my place in the forest that has most of what i need, but when ever I venture to far from my safe zone I end up coming back to my spot and something is gone or missing and the forest has replaced it with yet another tree, blocking out more of the light i need to live. I need to learn how to clear some of these trees out, if not then thin them enough so the seeds of my efforts can grow. I think i can sum up my life with how I work on and fix cars. If you tell me whats wrong, I can go to a auto parts store, get a book, log in to a forum site for what ever model car we are talking about and check YouTube, and I can fix anything that I don't have to weld. So getting started is the toughest part for me. I feel like I'm spinning in circles so often with all this energy and want to get a task done but no clue where to start, and all this time I feel like the trees are still closing in on me.

My car died, I think I know what is wrong with it and I am lucky I have a great roommate that can afford to lend me his car to get to and from work. Problem is getting it past inspection is tough, long story made short, we cant adjust the headlights and I have to figure out a way to rig it so they can be adjusted and I have to do that tomorrow morning ASAP so we can get it inspected. Otherwise im looking at a long week of getting to work 3 hours early, and hoping I can get a ride home without having to get Laura to come out and pick my slack ass up. That also brings up another thought, why is she with me, I mean I know I'm a sexy beast but geebus christmaslights, she could do better. I say that to her and she gets upset and then I feel like an ass and things just keep cycling back around. You have to see a pattern that things just never go away.

I was listening to some DR on an NPR Podcast from TED Talks that was in an institution for 13 months with obsessive compulsive thoughts that were just consuming his life and while in the institution he would go for walks and one day he went to a corner store and the guy at the register said to him, why don't you just say fuck it, and the DR said he finally felt he could. It took him 13 months of living in an institution for people with mental illness to find that switch in his forest that gave him the ability to say fuck it. I've started my process and am waiting til next Tuesday to see what my DR has to say about me. I went for a full psych workup and on Tuesday I will get my results and know just how crazy I am lol (if I don't make light of it from time to time it will consume me so please forgive).

I'm heading toward my shovel and hope I can start it up and start digging my way out from under my mess that I have let build up on top of me over the years. then I can start to dig nice deep wells to drop in all the shit I have to say fuck it to, and bury it so far out of reach that it can come back. For the first time in a long time I can see there is some hope for improvement cuz I have spent the last decade of my life just hoping that each year I can hold on and be stronger today than yesterday as I walk this knifes edge of life. I really wait every day for something to derail me and send me running. I'm always worried about what people are going to think about me ( to my face everyone is so nice but I know how people are and until I can say fuck it,...) this is some of the things I want to help people avoid. Avoid the feeling like you are sinking all the time. Not have your first waking thought be something like when will it hit me, how bad will today be, what can I do to get out of doing anything today, how can I hide from this day, rather than I need 10 more minutes of sleep with that cozy smile or I feel great, the sun is out lets go walk the dog and just enjoy the warmth of the sun and smell of the fresh air. I don't get that and haven't had that for so long. Everything is s struggle, every day every minute to seem normal, because even if I can pull off the look of feeling normal and put together, that's a big help. Oh yeah! And that DR on TED Talks, made me think I must be compulsive. Never really though about it because I don't have to touch thing 12 times before I leave a room or wash my hands over and over again but listening to this guy made me realize I am compulsive, I have thoughts of dread and worry that have been consuming my life more and more each and every day. I love Laura and don't want her to bail on me, part of me things she should however but I will never tell her to go, that's her big fear, that I will not want her to go through this and tell her to go to "save" her from me. that's her choice to stay but I just need to get better so she doesn't resent me in 20 years ya know.

So tomorrow I'm gonna wake up, try and get moving to Lowe's get some parts and rig those headlights to pass and get some parts to get my roommates fuel injectors to stop leaking as well. tomorrow is all about productivity... sounds good, lets hope it starts off that way lol.... I love ya all for simply reading and not judging me harshly.

I think I can I think I can I think I can I think I can lol

Enjoy the day people!

My Day Off

Yup I took a day off from writing. Yesterday was a bad day. I wish I could figure out what caused it. I started my day out like any other day. I took my meds, I ate breakfast, I was rocking it at work and then without warning, I had a panic attack.

It hit hard and fast and I ran.

Most of the time there is a build up that I can keep at bay and through some logical thought and calming action like a walk, running some cool water over my wrists, striking a conversation with someone about anything that is thought provoking enough to keep my focus off my feelings. Side note: by feelings I don't mean emotional feelings, I mean the feeling that something is building in side me that is going to happen, something bad, something very bad.

That's not how it happens maybe 1% of the time, and yesterday was one of those times. On a scale of one to ten, ten being me calling 911 and going to the hospital (I've only been there once, Oct 29th 2013, but that's a story for another day) yesterday was a 7. Sometimes like yesterday these feelings of dread poor over me so fast and sudden I can only describe it as a feeling of being trapped in myself. I become hyper aware of myself and feel like everyone can see right though me in to my thoughts. everything in my mind is bouncing around, I can feel the adrenalin pumping in my blood and my mind just goes red line. I cant think logically anymore, I mean I can but the logical part of my mind has no control and I start reacting.

So yesterday I started to feel a little light headed, kinda like if I turned my head the world had to catch up slightly, and there is a slight, quarter of a second of dizziness and then its over. However the idea of what was that has planted in my head and that is all it takes. So while I still had my logical side of my brain in the lead I went and took a break and went outside for some air, puff on my e-cig and enjoy some company. There wasn't anyone outside so off to BBC News, see who is fucking over who in Ukraine or Syria, what new tech thingy is Google, you get the idea, anything for god sake to take me back to control. Fifteen minutes come and go and I go back in and sit at my desk, and I cant function. The fight or flight of a panic attack has won over the logical mind and I'm trapped. feeling like every second it taking minutes. The urge to escape is overwhelming and next thing you know I'm sitting in the car. I guess there is a need to get to someplace I feel safe, comfortable or at least someplace I can just not be seen, or have to explain whats wrong to people. I work with awesome caring people and I don't want to worry them as well. I truly wish I could describe how this all feels but I don't do it justice at all. It's simply being trapped in yourself, claustrophobic,  spinning, panic, and I wouldn't wish this on anyone.

So by the time I came home (missed 2/3 of the day, great for the stats at work) I got some unwind time with the dog and then when its all over, I'm simply wiped out and writing about this was the last thing I wanted to do. I really didn't want to rehash what i just went through, see in a few hours from then I was going to have to face the next day and hope I can make it through. I did, the day was ok. Sluggish, no motivation, I didn't sleep well last night so one bad episode ends up really affecting more than a day. I'm just glad I have the weekend... *drops the mic and walks off*