My Shovel

So, now that whomever has been reading these blogs, you know well enough that I'm dealing with something that is on the verge of being debilitating. What's the next step then?

I guess like anything you need to get rid of you need to gather your issues and see how many you can stuff in a box and dig a whole and bury them deep. So I went and picked out my shovel. Its nice, I picture it like one of those old style ones from the twenties, the ones they had on the old cartoons we used to watch as kids. That's my shovel, and it needs to be big cuz I'm fighting a lot of shit I need to kill off and bury. Also there's the need to dig myself out from under a ton of crap I have let build up over the years.

I think that will be one of the biggest things I want to help others out with once I get myself in that place where I can. I want to first offer support, and secondly offer help with guiding people out of their forest they feel lost in. That's the hard part for me (I will forever use a lot of visualization in my describing how I feel, it's all I know so sorry if it gets tiresome) and I cant be alone in this.

I feel like I wake up in a forest every day. Its dim as the forest is thick, I have my place in the forest that has most of what i need, but when ever I venture to far from my safe zone I end up coming back to my spot and something is gone or missing and the forest has replaced it with yet another tree, blocking out more of the light i need to live. I need to learn how to clear some of these trees out, if not then thin them enough so the seeds of my efforts can grow. I think i can sum up my life with how I work on and fix cars. If you tell me whats wrong, I can go to a auto parts store, get a book, log in to a forum site for what ever model car we are talking about and check YouTube, and I can fix anything that I don't have to weld. So getting started is the toughest part for me. I feel like I'm spinning in circles so often with all this energy and want to get a task done but no clue where to start, and all this time I feel like the trees are still closing in on me.

My car died, I think I know what is wrong with it and I am lucky I have a great roommate that can afford to lend me his car to get to and from work. Problem is getting it past inspection is tough, long story made short, we cant adjust the headlights and I have to figure out a way to rig it so they can be adjusted and I have to do that tomorrow morning ASAP so we can get it inspected. Otherwise im looking at a long week of getting to work 3 hours early, and hoping I can get a ride home without having to get Laura to come out and pick my slack ass up. That also brings up another thought, why is she with me, I mean I know I'm a sexy beast but geebus christmaslights, she could do better. I say that to her and she gets upset and then I feel like an ass and things just keep cycling back around. You have to see a pattern that things just never go away.

I was listening to some DR on an NPR Podcast from TED Talks that was in an institution for 13 months with obsessive compulsive thoughts that were just consuming his life and while in the institution he would go for walks and one day he went to a corner store and the guy at the register said to him, why don't you just say fuck it, and the DR said he finally felt he could. It took him 13 months of living in an institution for people with mental illness to find that switch in his forest that gave him the ability to say fuck it. I've started my process and am waiting til next Tuesday to see what my DR has to say about me. I went for a full psych workup and on Tuesday I will get my results and know just how crazy I am lol (if I don't make light of it from time to time it will consume me so please forgive).

I'm heading toward my shovel and hope I can start it up and start digging my way out from under my mess that I have let build up on top of me over the years. then I can start to dig nice deep wells to drop in all the shit I have to say fuck it to, and bury it so far out of reach that it can come back. For the first time in a long time I can see there is some hope for improvement cuz I have spent the last decade of my life just hoping that each year I can hold on and be stronger today than yesterday as I walk this knifes edge of life. I really wait every day for something to derail me and send me running. I'm always worried about what people are going to think about me ( to my face everyone is so nice but I know how people are and until I can say fuck it,...) this is some of the things I want to help people avoid. Avoid the feeling like you are sinking all the time. Not have your first waking thought be something like when will it hit me, how bad will today be, what can I do to get out of doing anything today, how can I hide from this day, rather than I need 10 more minutes of sleep with that cozy smile or I feel great, the sun is out lets go walk the dog and just enjoy the warmth of the sun and smell of the fresh air. I don't get that and haven't had that for so long. Everything is s struggle, every day every minute to seem normal, because even if I can pull off the look of feeling normal and put together, that's a big help. Oh yeah! And that DR on TED Talks, made me think I must be compulsive. Never really though about it because I don't have to touch thing 12 times before I leave a room or wash my hands over and over again but listening to this guy made me realize I am compulsive, I have thoughts of dread and worry that have been consuming my life more and more each and every day. I love Laura and don't want her to bail on me, part of me things she should however but I will never tell her to go, that's her big fear, that I will not want her to go through this and tell her to go to "save" her from me. that's her choice to stay but I just need to get better so she doesn't resent me in 20 years ya know.

So tomorrow I'm gonna wake up, try and get moving to Lowe's get some parts and rig those headlights to pass and get some parts to get my roommates fuel injectors to stop leaking as well. tomorrow is all about productivity... sounds good, lets hope it starts off that way lol.... I love ya all for simply reading and not judging me harshly.

I think I can I think I can I think I can I think I can lol

Enjoy the day people!