Find your self destruct button.!

So yesterday morning I ended my thoughts with today being all about productivity.  And how is that going to happen when I can't fall asleep?

The fact is: anxiety and depression are self destructive. Without fail and without realizing it is even happening and so far without knowing what to do to prevent it,  my anxiety will inevitably do something to make life harder.

It's a dammed if you do, dammed if you don't issue really.  If I don't plan things I forget,  if I do plan things I obsess  over then in my subconscious to the point I can't sleep and lack of sleep (not that I need a ton,  but if I don't get 5 -  6 hours my anxiety is exponentially worse all day) just makes the following day,  well,  shit!

So I'm taking some melatonin and hope to get some sleep and still get my day started with progress in mind. I need to find my self destruct button, Tuesday can't come fast enough.

Yes  melatonin,  Austin Powers,  and some cinnamon toast crunch to vapefest,  and I hope to be out like  a light shortly,  and thanks to Missie,  I'm remembering to set the sleep timer on my TV. 

Night friends!

My Shovel

So, now that whomever has been reading these blogs, you know well enough that I'm dealing with something that is on the verge of being debilitating. What's the next step then?

I guess like anything you need to get rid of you need to gather your issues and see how many you can stuff in a box and dig a whole and bury them deep. So I went and picked out my shovel. Its nice, I picture it like one of those old style ones from the twenties, the ones they had on the old cartoons we used to watch as kids. That's my shovel, and it needs to be big cuz I'm fighting a lot of shit I need to kill off and bury. Also there's the need to dig myself out from under a ton of crap I have let build up over the years.

I think that will be one of the biggest things I want to help others out with once I get myself in that place where I can. I want to first offer support, and secondly offer help with guiding people out of their forest they feel lost in. That's the hard part for me (I will forever use a lot of visualization in my describing how I feel, it's all I know so sorry if it gets tiresome) and I cant be alone in this.

I feel like I wake up in a forest every day. Its dim as the forest is thick, I have my place in the forest that has most of what i need, but when ever I venture to far from my safe zone I end up coming back to my spot and something is gone or missing and the forest has replaced it with yet another tree, blocking out more of the light i need to live. I need to learn how to clear some of these trees out, if not then thin them enough so the seeds of my efforts can grow. I think i can sum up my life with how I work on and fix cars. If you tell me whats wrong, I can go to a auto parts store, get a book, log in to a forum site for what ever model car we are talking about and check YouTube, and I can fix anything that I don't have to weld. So getting started is the toughest part for me. I feel like I'm spinning in circles so often with all this energy and want to get a task done but no clue where to start, and all this time I feel like the trees are still closing in on me.

My car died, I think I know what is wrong with it and I am lucky I have a great roommate that can afford to lend me his car to get to and from work. Problem is getting it past inspection is tough, long story made short, we cant adjust the headlights and I have to figure out a way to rig it so they can be adjusted and I have to do that tomorrow morning ASAP so we can get it inspected. Otherwise im looking at a long week of getting to work 3 hours early, and hoping I can get a ride home without having to get Laura to come out and pick my slack ass up. That also brings up another thought, why is she with me, I mean I know I'm a sexy beast but geebus christmaslights, she could do better. I say that to her and she gets upset and then I feel like an ass and things just keep cycling back around. You have to see a pattern that things just never go away.

I was listening to some DR on an NPR Podcast from TED Talks that was in an institution for 13 months with obsessive compulsive thoughts that were just consuming his life and while in the institution he would go for walks and one day he went to a corner store and the guy at the register said to him, why don't you just say fuck it, and the DR said he finally felt he could. It took him 13 months of living in an institution for people with mental illness to find that switch in his forest that gave him the ability to say fuck it. I've started my process and am waiting til next Tuesday to see what my DR has to say about me. I went for a full psych workup and on Tuesday I will get my results and know just how crazy I am lol (if I don't make light of it from time to time it will consume me so please forgive).

I'm heading toward my shovel and hope I can start it up and start digging my way out from under my mess that I have let build up on top of me over the years. then I can start to dig nice deep wells to drop in all the shit I have to say fuck it to, and bury it so far out of reach that it can come back. For the first time in a long time I can see there is some hope for improvement cuz I have spent the last decade of my life just hoping that each year I can hold on and be stronger today than yesterday as I walk this knifes edge of life. I really wait every day for something to derail me and send me running. I'm always worried about what people are going to think about me ( to my face everyone is so nice but I know how people are and until I can say fuck it,...) this is some of the things I want to help people avoid. Avoid the feeling like you are sinking all the time. Not have your first waking thought be something like when will it hit me, how bad will today be, what can I do to get out of doing anything today, how can I hide from this day, rather than I need 10 more minutes of sleep with that cozy smile or I feel great, the sun is out lets go walk the dog and just enjoy the warmth of the sun and smell of the fresh air. I don't get that and haven't had that for so long. Everything is s struggle, every day every minute to seem normal, because even if I can pull off the look of feeling normal and put together, that's a big help. Oh yeah! And that DR on TED Talks, made me think I must be compulsive. Never really though about it because I don't have to touch thing 12 times before I leave a room or wash my hands over and over again but listening to this guy made me realize I am compulsive, I have thoughts of dread and worry that have been consuming my life more and more each and every day. I love Laura and don't want her to bail on me, part of me things she should however but I will never tell her to go, that's her big fear, that I will not want her to go through this and tell her to go to "save" her from me. that's her choice to stay but I just need to get better so she doesn't resent me in 20 years ya know.

So tomorrow I'm gonna wake up, try and get moving to Lowe's get some parts and rig those headlights to pass and get some parts to get my roommates fuel injectors to stop leaking as well. tomorrow is all about productivity... sounds good, lets hope it starts off that way lol.... I love ya all for simply reading and not judging me harshly.

I think I can I think I can I think I can I think I can lol

Enjoy the day people!

My Day Off

Yup I took a day off from writing. Yesterday was a bad day. I wish I could figure out what caused it. I started my day out like any other day. I took my meds, I ate breakfast, I was rocking it at work and then without warning, I had a panic attack.

It hit hard and fast and I ran.

Most of the time there is a build up that I can keep at bay and through some logical thought and calming action like a walk, running some cool water over my wrists, striking a conversation with someone about anything that is thought provoking enough to keep my focus off my feelings. Side note: by feelings I don't mean emotional feelings, I mean the feeling that something is building in side me that is going to happen, something bad, something very bad.

That's not how it happens maybe 1% of the time, and yesterday was one of those times. On a scale of one to ten, ten being me calling 911 and going to the hospital (I've only been there once, Oct 29th 2013, but that's a story for another day) yesterday was a 7. Sometimes like yesterday these feelings of dread poor over me so fast and sudden I can only describe it as a feeling of being trapped in myself. I become hyper aware of myself and feel like everyone can see right though me in to my thoughts. everything in my mind is bouncing around, I can feel the adrenalin pumping in my blood and my mind just goes red line. I cant think logically anymore, I mean I can but the logical part of my mind has no control and I start reacting.

So yesterday I started to feel a little light headed, kinda like if I turned my head the world had to catch up slightly, and there is a slight, quarter of a second of dizziness and then its over. However the idea of what was that has planted in my head and that is all it takes. So while I still had my logical side of my brain in the lead I went and took a break and went outside for some air, puff on my e-cig and enjoy some company. There wasn't anyone outside so off to BBC News, see who is fucking over who in Ukraine or Syria, what new tech thingy is Google, you get the idea, anything for god sake to take me back to control. Fifteen minutes come and go and I go back in and sit at my desk, and I cant function. The fight or flight of a panic attack has won over the logical mind and I'm trapped. feeling like every second it taking minutes. The urge to escape is overwhelming and next thing you know I'm sitting in the car. I guess there is a need to get to someplace I feel safe, comfortable or at least someplace I can just not be seen, or have to explain whats wrong to people. I work with awesome caring people and I don't want to worry them as well. I truly wish I could describe how this all feels but I don't do it justice at all. It's simply being trapped in yourself, claustrophobic,  spinning, panic, and I wouldn't wish this on anyone.

So by the time I came home (missed 2/3 of the day, great for the stats at work) I got some unwind time with the dog and then when its all over, I'm simply wiped out and writing about this was the last thing I wanted to do. I really didn't want to rehash what i just went through, see in a few hours from then I was going to have to face the next day and hope I can make it through. I did, the day was ok. Sluggish, no motivation, I didn't sleep well last night so one bad episode ends up really affecting more than a day. I'm just glad I have the weekend... *drops the mic and walks off*

Ahhhhh, wait, why?!?!

So my day started of great. I got a solid 9 hours of sleep last night. My work has been awesome all day. Then I ate lunch from the cafe. Roast beef and cheese and a small bag of chips. I've been staying away from chips lately,  and now I feel all wired and amped up, like I just drank too much coffee.

Could chips do this much damage. I mean I'm tapping my food,  have this need to keep moving and my mind is in five places at once.  I know junk food is bad for you but can it take so little to throw off those that have little balance to begin with?

Might need to experiment with this honestly,  it would be good to know. Diet is so important to us all maybe for those of us that have chemical balance issues diet can be even more of a factor.  I've got a great book called the mood cure.  I've skimmed through it but really need to read it now,  do my test and see.

So far all in all a good day but I feel like something is coming something bad...  This is the shit I hate since it will snowball.... 

Is it tomorrow morning already!

One of the other things that happens is messed up sleep.  So it's 230am and I've slept for two hours and my rambling brain can't calm down enough to sleep.

I have found and recommend melatonin,  it works great.  So...  Why am I still awake.  I guess one of the other self-destructive things I have going for me is ADD and so a lot of the things I know are good for me,  like taking my meds or something helpful like melatonin somehow don't happen until I'm at a point that No matter what I do,  damage to the next day is done.

So that's the first thing that is loggerhead the day.  I'll take my melatonin and get some sleep but I've already failed myself for the day and didn't do myself a solid by being a good night's sleep.  I have thought over and over again that I need to just reach over and grab the melatonin and take one or two and be of to sleep but wait,  I need to read the news on my BBC app,  and while I'm doing that I might as well maximize my time and have the Olympics on well,  then I need to pause my news reading to Wikipedia some info from the news or history of bobsled,  oh sit take the melatonin,  well I will in a second,  I need to finish the news first and since I'm at it I might as well check out CNN,  I mean I'm already up and I'll take the melatonin in a minute,  but air I need to look up this factoid on Wikipedia and so on and so on it goes until it's hours later and I've managed to yet again push the shiny red self-destruct button for today before I've even given it a chance to be a good day.

That was written without periods for a reason,  if I don't get a solid break in my thoughts why should you :-)

Side note about melatonin: they sell it in lots of strength levels. You only need 300 micrograms (some times I take two) but know that in your youth the max melatonin you naturally produced was about 300 micrograms so if you buy a 3mg bottle you are taking ten times a natural dose and that's OK for jetlag but not good for nightly use. Just FYI.

Ok I took my pill, I'm gone,  good night/morning/whatever.

Who do people turn to?

So this past Friday my clutch finally went on me. Its a big repair and I'm trying to do what I can to not have to borrow money from anyone. But what is out there to help those that have been clawing their way out of issues they have had hovering over them for years. I know there are tons of support groups out there for all sorts of things, but there needs to be more things like habitat for humanity for things other than "I need a home". Why cant there be other type of assistance programs that are proactive like things for auto repair. Mechanics that are willing to let people work in their show for services rendered. That can work for things like HVAC washer dryer repairs things like that too. There needs to be more things where people that don't just want a hand out but want a hand up (yes I said that lol) because I truly believe that there have got to be tons of people out there that never intended to get in their predicament but none the less are. The problem is too many people take advantage of people, and that's where things get squashed.

I'm going to start by setting up a meet-up group for those with anxiety, there are none here in Richmond and I bet there are only a few out there over all. Mostly I bet because people with anxiety are hiding from their  butterflies and hiding leads to non-action and that leads to a snowball that grows until it runs you over. There needs to be a beginning, some start-up to create something that can be a place that can help people that are going thought this shit.

I'm tired of being run over my my own snowballs but the "how to" do it part is the issue. when you have have spent you entire life running from everything, where do you start. Also what strength do you have left and how much more can you take because if you're like me you only stood up because you feel like you are running out of time. I am so thankful for my girlfriend, she has been huge in inspiring me to better myself.

My thoughts are bouncing all around my head, I feel like I have had 5 cups of coffee this morning but I have had nothing. This is how something as simple to normal people like auto repair can just derail life for some. I want to start a 501c that is there for the odd problems people find in life and they can network solutions tailored to the individual that just needs that hand up (said it again). I'm gonna get my car fixed, I will most likely try and do it myself with the help of google and youtube. I just hope my work is cool with me switching things around while I catch rides from coworkers and friends. Lets see where I get with my new boss (new as of today in fact)

I know that once I get myself fixed I can help so many people, I just need to find my groove  and get planted in it and then I will be able to do so much for others. I don't want people to get where I have gotten because they were too afraid or embarrassed to seek help, tell me how to head that one off at the pass and we will go far.

Even on weekends!

So I guess I'll give you a run down of my day so far. 

I woke up,  and hadn't slept well last night. A lot of the time I sleep for two hours then wake up and need to do things to calm my mind. That can take thirty minutes or like last night  four hours (finally my good friend melatonin took care of my problems, and I'll address that more later on) . Oh and I got that old man thing where sleeping in is like 8:30, and that never happens unless I'm up till 5 a like this morning.

So I get these irregular heart beat issues that are scary to say the least,  have had it as long as I can recall,  since I was little. I always thought it was a heart murmur,  and that as I was getting older it was getting worse and that physical issue was exacerbating the issues I have with my anxiety.  Well my cousin Marie have me a little pep talk about taking my med and not worrying about them nor what people might think.  So this past week I've stayed taking my Xanax (my little white pills chuck full of hope and happy places) and they are prescribed at .25mg 3 x a day as needed.  Up until last week I was taking them when things were already out of hand.  This past week I stayed to take them all,  all 3 with my diabetic meds first thing in the morning and rather than having issues over and over again during the days I had only one issue that lasted about 1 minute and that was it.  So it's in my head,  but I'm still going to follow up with VA Cardiovascular  to make sure but come on,  what do you think.  So on one side of the coin I'm most likely not having heart issues,  but on the other hand I most certainly am rubbing around with more than one sandwich short of a picnic.  I'll take the mess over fitting just to get out of the house any day.  So that's my day so far,  not great not bad but trying to get out to the junk yard and see what I can start to come up with for a plan with my car.  Oh yeah,  my clutch blew out on Friday and I get to have that stress added there is no real mass transit in Richmond that can get me from home to work.  I know what needs to be done but not sure if I can get it all done by in gonna see what my options are.  My roommate had offered to help out with what he can but then that's more stress of letting him down if I can pay him back on time lol this anxiety will do what ever it takes to make you a prisoner in your own live.  I wonder how many homeless people are out there that have had a downward spiral in love that may got out of hand and then when you hit that bottom there is nothing you can do. To far down to climb or and to feel to see the hands racing in for you. 

Btw: I'm just writing as I think and will clean things up as I go along so be kind :-)

My Means to an End

What are deadly butterflies? Well when you have that feeling of butterflies its simply a level of anxiety, mine have the potential of killing me. I have anxiety, kinda bad, and at times over the years really bad. Why am I writing this? That answer is a multiple part answer. First is that I guess if I'm going to go through something as tough as debilitating anxiety I might as well share in the hopes that someone may find a way to address their issues and get help sooner than I did and not waste too many years of their lives thinking and hoping it will just get better and go away. Also to hopefully give those living with anxiety affecting a loved one. Lastly to give myself somewhere to vent, and chronicle my experience so I may have a better chance of beating this demon once and for all.

I have spent my entire life hiding from this and only letting those in that were on a "need to know basis". People that I have to tell, some family some friends but before today, as few people as I could. There is a stigma out there that people with anxiety are broken and there tends to be an attitude by people to distance themselves from people like me. I know it must be very hard to see someone you care about dealing with something you as an observer really have no control over, there must be a real heavy sense of helplessness too often that ends up removing people from the lives of those with anxiety.

I have found over the past year that those I have pushed away and told about my issues that they were at least accepting and never made me feel like I was not welcome back and that in itself was a big catalyst in my finding the strength to stand up and take action against these issue I have. So with that I have let a few more people in and they have been so supportive. But for those that had to deal with me and didn't run for the hills but stood by my side, you are my rocks, my foundation I am building this new me on. Pearl Jam has a song called Just Breathe, I love the song but there is a line in it that speaks volumes to me. "Oh I'm a lucky man, to count on both hands the ones I love Some folks just have one, yeah, others, they've got none." and I hold that true to my heart and in the forefront of my mind, as that is me, very lucky, very blessed and I hope to continue to be more and more blessed as I go down this road to wellness to include more and more people in that list.

I guess I can trace this issue with anxiety as far back as I can remember but when I was a kid life's cup was small and easy to fill and as I got older that cup kept getting bigger and harder for me to fill with things that kept those deadly butterflies at bay. So when I was really young I acted out in school, kept attention on things I had control over like being a wise ass, being disruptive, picking fights, really doing what ever I could to not face the fact that I had this dread looming over me that I could not understand. 

Then in my late teens I started to dabble in smoking pot and drinking and then, with being high all the time, I had no dread, it was gone, and that only opened up a door to more and more drugs and heavier and heavier drinking, I mean why not, I had no fears anymore, but my cup was still growing so as did the list of drugs I would try and the amount I would do and also the frequency I would do them.

I don't remember much of my twenties, I don't remember being an usher in my own sisters wedding, I can remember the party after where I was drinking and high but I have such a hard time recalling the times where I was sober in my twenties. I can remember more of when I was high as those were the times I felt "good" and not looking over my shoulder so to speak for those deadly butterflies, and still my cup was growing.

All this time I am bouncing from job to job, pushing my long time girlfriend away (she left me) pushed even longer life long friends away, and kept myself from ever finding any happiness in life. Then came my thirties. I had to stop smoking pot as the anxiety it was giving me was too much to handle so I quit, that was just about ten years ago and for me it couldn't have come soon enough, but still I kept drinking but even that slowly ramped down to where I am today. I take a few meds for my medical issues but no longer do anything for recreation, I'll have beer here and there but I cant tell you the last time I was drunk.

I have had a few close friends that I let in and kept in the loop over the years and they have been such a big help. My buddy Doug (and his family) in NJ and David (and his family) here in VA have been huge in me still being where I am and being able to hopefully find my path out of this shit. Doug for never forgetting the childhood friend he had in me and not letting my issues cloud his view of me ever. David for getting to be my fiend right when I was transitioning from being my drugged up self to today and never letting my faults cloud what he saw in me as a person and a friend. My sister has always been there for me and I know I can always count on her. My mother always making me feel like I will forever be her little baby boy (don't make fun, if you do you're just jealous). One of my truly huge regrets about all this is my relationship with my father, we were getting to be real friends right before he passed and had really become a close friend and the two of us let our petty past stand in the way of more growth just before he passed. That's something anyone reading this needs to take note of and NOT let happen if at all possible to avoid since we can never get back lost time with loved ones. My girlfriend Laura has been a huge boost in my need (no longer a want, there is a huge difference) to get better and not just for myself but for us for a future I hope is full of fun and happiness. My cousin Marie, well lets just say I'm one of her biggest fans and she has provided me with countless hours of smiles and support that is truly immeasurable. My friends Rob and Stu here in VA that have never made me feel weird no matter how long I drop off the face of the earth. This past summer the Capolete family (whom I was very close with growing up) welcomed me back like there had been no time lost. These are the people that make wellness attainable and not out of reach.

I'm going to keep opening up to more and more people as I know there are others I care about tremendously and miss having in my life and there is room for new people and friends I hope to get to know as we take on our deadly butterflies together. I don't want others to let anxiety rob them of those moments in life that one simply cant get back, like the wedding of one of your very best friends, seeing their children grow up or a funeral. Time just keeps on moving, it is the cruelest of all things in the universe.

Why call my butterflies deadly; it's simple really. I had always felt that those that try and kill themselves were selfish and weak but what I have learned over the past few months (as this has been the worst i have felt for a continuous amount of time in as long as I can recall) and I can see for the first time why people would want to just get to any end they can find from this. Now this is NOT a cry for help and I don't want that last statement to scare anyone that I am on the edge because I am not, but I can truly empathize with those that have been there, this is nothing I would wish upon anyone; period.

I just don't want anyone to have to hit rock bottom like I have before they start to get up. I'm still needing to clean up messes I made almost twenty years ago, that I was unable to face that I still don't have a clue how to over come and honestly not sure how much more these issues will take me down before I get my chance to get back up. But if my chronicles can inspire, or help anyone start to recover from their hell, then what ever I have gone through was worth it. I don't want this to all be for nothing. I want this to be a means to an end for myself, for anyone that suffers from anxiety and feels alone and anyone trying to understand what a loved one is going through.