My Never Ending Story

Another holiday has come and will be gone shortly. Today is Easter and this is the second holiday I have spent; for one reason or an other, away from my mom. Now she has family with her so she is not alone thankfully enough, but I'm selfish and would like to have been with her as I know there aren't an infinite amount of holidays in life for me to spend with her and soon enough I will look back on days like these with contempt for myself.

I am just about to turn 41, and because of being a slave to the anxiety I have I have managed to put a black-eye on yet another holiday for the people I love. This is my legasy, the guy the ruined holidays. I'm sure if I was there I would have done something to upset someone anyway. I don't go out of my way to upset the apple cart it just happens. I guess its like how I hate weekends, going on trips or anything that is different from the daily grind that most people hate. I hate change so much. Like having my current girlfriend move in. The first few weeks were hard and i fought through it because all my other relationships end poorly. But the change in my routine was hard but then I settled in. Holidays however are hard. I have to not only leave the house but go to someplace that's not comfortable. So I'm home today, my girlfriend is with her family, my mom is with hers, my sister is doing her thing and I'm home writing this shit weighing me down and bouncing around my head.

I want people to know how self-destructive anxiety is. I could have worked on two cars over the past few months so that I had something to drive but I always let something get in the way. I could have don't things differently to make sure I was up in PA with mom this week. Why I didn't is the mystery. I don't know but I'm starting to think it's a premeditated plan from deep in my brain. Something that I have little control over because its not something I see until I'm in the moment.

This is when I wish there was a real reset button. I have proven to myself that I have the control I need to be a better me the hard part and most daunting task is digging myself out of my pit that me and my anxiety have dug to "protect" me from what the fuck my anxiety deemed was going to hurt me I guess.

So since there is no reset button out there, help those that you see struggling with life. never give up and never give in. What ever struggle you may have loving someone with anxiety I bet theirs is tons heavier. I have said this more times than I can recall but I would never wish this upon anyone ever. Every year a few times a year life reminds me that I have been hiding from problems so long that they are still haunting me and I honestly don't see an end. I still feel like I'm sinking ever so slowly. I don't have it in me to ask for help anymore, honestly I haven't for a decade now really. I just want people to see how this works and how it can end up keeping people down.

It's a cycle I don't know how to get out of and I can only hope that my girlfriend sees the light before its too late for her too. I know, bad joke but is it really? I'm a nice guy, I have a big heart and care about most things more than most people will ever in their entire lives but would you want me for you're in-law? Lets be honest I'm fun to be around but with my issues with getting out of my "pit" I don't offer much. Don't let someone you know and love end up this way. Until next time, thanks for reading.

My towel was thrown in long ago.

So the realization that I'm not crazy and just have a very manageable case of GAD (and a few others things) should have been a nice relief. That topped with the good news I have no heart issue that is life threatening should be awesome news to anyone. So why did that flip a switch of extreme depression?

 

I guess the issue now is: I look back at all the time and life lost. I look forward to uncertainty. I look at my current situations that have all been caused by a lifetime of ineptness and lack of ability to face my life. Every obstacle in my life I had hidden from rather than take them on and make them a part of history. By hiding from them I hold on to them and things that should have been long distant memories are still haunting me now.

 

So where does someone begin to put a "normal" life together from so many broken pieces of life when they never learned how? I know I'm physically feeling better, very, very few issues with my heart (still amazed at how powerful the mind is), but now I'm left with this empty pit that there is not enough time to be a successful person.

 

I stopped asking for help years and years ago from my parents because I was tired of hearing disappointment in my parents voice. Disappointment in me and their efforts as parents. So I just stopped asking. When I finally got to a point where I could turn to my Dad for some insight he passed away before we really got to address any issues. I can't ask my mom because she is a different person and does not have the ability to help. I have spent the past few weeks realizing how much anyone out there that has someone in their life that is dealing with any issues that may prevent them from functioning "normally" in society, you need to do something and not give up until they are on track. Because I'm 40 and don't see any light at the end of my tunnel. I think that’s cuz I dug straight down.

 

So now I have to search for what's next, what's left, and so far I'm not feeling very good about myself. I'm not feeling very worthy, I don’t want prayers, I don’t want divine intervention, there are people all over this world that need help way before me. I had my opportunities in life and I blew them all. At some point you are left with an empty pit that is the reflection of your existence. Don’t let this happen to anyone you love or care about. Pay attention to those around you and if you see someone showing signs of struggle in life offer a hand and never pull it away until you are no longer worried about them. I am far away from pointing fingers at anyone in my life. Society has only just begun to show there is a better way of caring for people than the way our elders taught us. My issues are mine and I own them. They help me write things like this so that maybe one person might not have to go through the endless life of pitfalls we can so easily create for ourselves.

 

So if this sounds like a melodramatic bunch of crap I guess you just don’t get where I am and where I've been and where I'm headed. Not having direction in this life as we age is a very scary option. My only grace is I'm just glad I never fucked up some kid of my own.

 

In summation: depression is new to me and not fun at all. I feel like I have traded one heavy weight for another. The first made me worry it was going to kill me, the latter makes me think I get it, I understand why people do it, why people take the "easy" way out. Let me tell you, that's no easy way.