Another holiday has come and will be gone shortly. Today is Easter and this is the second holiday I have spent; for one reason or an other, away from my mom. Now she has family with her so she is not alone thankfully enough, but I'm selfish and would like to have been with her as I know there aren't an infinite amount of holidays in life for me to spend with her and soon enough I will look back on days like these with contempt for myself.
I am just about to turn 41, and because of being a slave to the anxiety I have I have managed to put a black-eye on yet another holiday for the people I love. This is my legasy, the guy the ruined holidays. I'm sure if I was there I would have done something to upset someone anyway. I don't go out of my way to upset the apple cart it just happens. I guess its like how I hate weekends, going on trips or anything that is different from the daily grind that most people hate. I hate change so much. Like having my current girlfriend move in. The first few weeks were hard and i fought through it because all my other relationships end poorly. But the change in my routine was hard but then I settled in. Holidays however are hard. I have to not only leave the house but go to someplace that's not comfortable. So I'm home today, my girlfriend is with her family, my mom is with hers, my sister is doing her thing and I'm home writing this shit weighing me down and bouncing around my head.
I want people to know how self-destructive anxiety is. I could have worked on two cars over the past few months so that I had something to drive but I always let something get in the way. I could have don't things differently to make sure I was up in PA with mom this week. Why I didn't is the mystery. I don't know but I'm starting to think it's a premeditated plan from deep in my brain. Something that I have little control over because its not something I see until I'm in the moment.
This is when I wish there was a real reset button. I have proven to myself that I have the control I need to be a better me the hard part and most daunting task is digging myself out of my pit that me and my anxiety have dug to "protect" me from what the fuck my anxiety deemed was going to hurt me I guess.
So since there is no reset button out there, help those that you see struggling with life. never give up and never give in. What ever struggle you may have loving someone with anxiety I bet theirs is tons heavier. I have said this more times than I can recall but I would never wish this upon anyone ever. Every year a few times a year life reminds me that I have been hiding from problems so long that they are still haunting me and I honestly don't see an end. I still feel like I'm sinking ever so slowly. I don't have it in me to ask for help anymore, honestly I haven't for a decade now really. I just want people to see how this works and how it can end up keeping people down.
It's a cycle I don't know how to get out of and I can only hope that my girlfriend sees the light before its too late for her too. I know, bad joke but is it really? I'm a nice guy, I have a big heart and care about most things more than most people will ever in their entire lives but would you want me for you're in-law? Lets be honest I'm fun to be around but with my issues with getting out of my "pit" I don't offer much. Don't let someone you know and love end up this way. Until next time, thanks for reading.
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