So the realization that I'm not crazy and just have a very manageable case of GAD (and a few others things) should have been a nice relief. That topped with the good news I have no heart issue that is life threatening should be awesome news to anyone. So why did that flip a switch of extreme depression?
I guess the issue now is: I look back at all the time and life lost. I look forward to uncertainty. I look at my current situations that have all been caused by a lifetime of ineptness and lack of ability to face my life. Every obstacle in my life I had hidden from rather than take them on and make them a part of history. By hiding from them I hold on to them and things that should have been long distant memories are still haunting me now.
So where does someone begin to put a "normal" life together from so many broken pieces of life when they never learned how? I know I'm physically feeling better, very, very few issues with my heart (still amazed at how powerful the mind is), but now I'm left with this empty pit that there is not enough time to be a successful person.
I stopped asking for help years and years ago from my parents because I was tired of hearing disappointment in my parents voice. Disappointment in me and their efforts as parents. So I just stopped asking. When I finally got to a point where I could turn to my Dad for some insight he passed away before we really got to address any issues. I can't ask my mom because she is a different person and does not have the ability to help. I have spent the past few weeks realizing how much anyone out there that has someone in their life that is dealing with any issues that may prevent them from functioning "normally" in society, you need to do something and not give up until they are on track. Because I'm 40 and don't see any light at the end of my tunnel. I think that’s cuz I dug straight down.
So now I have to search for what's next, what's left, and so far I'm not feeling very good about myself. I'm not feeling very worthy, I don’t want prayers, I don’t want divine intervention, there are people all over this world that need help way before me. I had my opportunities in life and I blew them all. At some point you are left with an empty pit that is the reflection of your existence. Don’t let this happen to anyone you love or care about. Pay attention to those around you and if you see someone showing signs of struggle in life offer a hand and never pull it away until you are no longer worried about them. I am far away from pointing fingers at anyone in my life. Society has only just begun to show there is a better way of caring for people than the way our elders taught us. My issues are mine and I own them. They help me write things like this so that maybe one person might not have to go through the endless life of pitfalls we can so easily create for ourselves.
So if this sounds like a melodramatic bunch of crap I guess you just don’t get where I am and where I've been and where I'm headed. Not having direction in this life as we age is a very scary option. My only grace is I'm just glad I never fucked up some kid of my own.
In summation: depression is new to me and not fun at all. I feel like I have traded one heavy weight for another. The first made me worry it was going to kill me, the latter makes me think I get it, I understand why people do it, why people take the "easy" way out. Let me tell you, that's no easy way.
No comments:
Post a Comment