M.I.A

So its been a while since I have written and maybe I need to treat this like meds and not skip out on my writing for too long going forward.

I think this is good for me and I need to write even when I don't feel like crap.

Yes I've been MIA for a bit and nothing has been wrong rather right. I have had a great week plus. I cant recall the last time I felt this good over all for this much time. I felt like I was in control, my fears about my heart were calmed, I found out I'm not crazy (a paid Dr. told me that so its documented, no comments that you think otherwise; OK people!) and then I felt so good. Then I fall in to that trap that is so self destructive and so many of us do. We feel good so we stop and try and be well all on our own. Well I guess I need to keep plugging away and keep attacking this shit even while I'm feeling good cuz today has been a wake-up call. Depression!!!! I never feel this way but today I have felt like total shit and honestly fully depressed. I never feel like this, but just total malaise and indifference has just hammered me all day.

So I need to not be MIA, I need to get off my ass and get my meds started for this maintenance of the anxiety and continue writing. I did sign up for a meetup group in town just happens they are moving locations and last week I just wasn't ready to go so next week I will get out and hook up with the group and see how I like it. My goal is to start one myself, a group dedicated to anxiety and I think I want to set it up as a virtual meetup. To provide others with a safe place (their home) where they have control of their surroundings and yet can still interact with others in a live setting. Basically video chat meetup. So I'm gonna go to this group so I can get some help and learn what these groups are about.

I want to find a way to break down some of these stigmas about mental illness. The other day I was talking to my mother and told her I was joining a group that supported those with mental illness and she said to me "Why would you go to a group like that you don't have mental illness" and i told her flat out, "Uh... yes I do!" and she started to recant but then told me to be careful of those people that really have mental illnesses. I was frustrated at first because I was getting that vibe from my own mother that she didn't want to admit that her son had a mental illness. This doesn't make me any different of a person than before I came to grips with having mental illness. call it what you want, GAD, panic disorder or what it is, a mental illness. The problem is the stigma and that stigma is what I fear keeps people from getting the help they really need. Hiding from your real issues because you are worried about what someone might think of you or say about you or how they might treat you because you have something that is scary to them I guess. This is where education and knowledge are powerful allies.  The more people know about it (what ever you or I may have) the better equipped they will be with accepting you for the person you are, flaws included. Now I'm lucky that I'm such a momma's boy cuz she quickly came around and corrected herself and I could hear she felt bad for her tone and comments. My mother and I communicate very well and even with all of her old school ways and thought processes she has my back first and foremost. I may be 40 going on 41 but I will always be my mommies baby =) However we need to support people better though understanding and knowledge and not let ignorance drive a wedge between us and those we love and care about. I post these things on Facebook because I'm done hiding from what people might think about me and how they might judge me for the issues I may have. I'm still the same childish fun loving caring person I have always been and just because I have issues with GAD and Panic doesn't change the fact that a good fart will bring me to tears with laughter, and I will always do what I can for my friends and family to support them any way I can. Yesterday you may not have thought that I had mental illness and you may know me and enjoy hanging out with me and chilling at work or whatever and today knowing that I have a mental illness does not change anything in me. The only thing that might change is you, and how you treat me or view me but that's on you not me and I'm not going to hide from my issues to protect myself from the judgement of others. No one needs to fear me, you wont wake up wrapped in plastic laying in a kill room, or in a well in my basement, no, about the worst thing is we could be hanging out and next thing you know I'm gone. Remember what I said earlier, I'm not crazy, I have paperwork to prove it, I just have a mental illness.